They Call it a Midlife Crisis. I Call it Awakening
I Thank God for My "Crisis" Every Day
Two and a half years ago I radically changed my life. Some called it a midlife crisis. I was fine with that, because I knew what it was.
I was awakening.
In the summer of 2023, I ended my 20-year marriage and left my family, beloved pets, and treasured garden. Not too far, just 3 miles down. Still determined to fulfill my sacred role of mother to my 15 and 17 year old girls.
It was the toughest thing I have ever done, yet it came with absolutely no doubt.
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My self-awareness began as a young mom. Watching Oprah shift toward spirituality and being drawn to read all her recommended books. Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” gave me my first insight into ego versus my presence. I didn’t exactly devote myself to it fully until 2019, when I felt pulled to finally put the work in and practice regular meditation.
And that’s when everything began to change in ways I never would have imagined.
I spent most of my adult life studying wellness in all forms. I became a passionate Yoga and Pilates teacher, holistic nutritionist and wellness coach, yet somehow, I still landed in a painful autoimmune illness that I had no cure for. I could hardly move at times with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. I had removed so many foods from my diet just to curb the pain. Still, no solution.
I wanted more peace and less inner dialogue, as so much of my thoughts revolved around my suffering. I decided once and for all to start and stick to a meditation practice.
Each day I sat.
For 3- 5 minutes, then 10, then I craved longer lengths of time and multiple times a day. It was challenging at first, as any new habit can be, but after a while, I started to feel something. An energetic vibration in my body.
It was my essence. My inner being.
The more I connected to this essence, the more I distanced myself from my thoughts. Instead of stewing about what was going on in my life, I would get subtle notions.
Notions are like nudges that feel like a calling from the body within.
I would get notions to study energy, to listen to a podcast, to take a walk, and most importantly, to realize my thoughts were taking me places I didn’t want to go. With self-awareness, I was able to dis-identify with those thoughts and be peace.
I realized that when I wasn’t “happy”, my mind would find fault in someone else or something outside of me. I realized that my habitual thoughts had been creating loops of discontent that never solved anything, and often made my life and relationships worse.
After quieting my egoic mind, I could finally hear the guidance that was always being offered. I was guided to study energy healing and become a Reiki practitioner.
Each day I would meditate and pull in this healing energy. It helped me to let go of emotions stuck inside of me from childhood traumas I’d forgotten about. I knew I’d experienced trauma in childhood, but I didn’t realize the toll it had taken on “little” me.
I didn’t realize how much I had to bury to protect myself, and how the patterns of behavior I had created by doing so, became my “personality”.
The more of this I came to realize, heal, and release, the lighter I felt.
I lifted so much energetic baggage off me that my body began to heal. The chronic pain from my autoimmune disease, food allergies, and sensitivities disappeared as I removed the blockages that prevented my vital energy from flowing as it should.
I felt freer and happier with every trauma I acknowledged and released. I felt whole and connected to the Universe and “God”, (which I never felt comfortable even acknowledging before all of this). Growing up atheist, there was no talk of God, except to make jokes about religion.
Now I felt deeply connected to God — Source — Oneness.
Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash
From the outside, people saw me becoming a different person. I didn’t engage in the things I used to, and my interests were naturally changing. I felt confident in following my own joy without worrying about whether it would be accepted by others.
I studied spirituality and energy healing and meditation as a passion. I spent hours in solitude. Joyfully, and sometimes crying endlessly. With each wave of darkness that knocked me down, I was catapulted to a greater understanding of myself and a higher way of being.
I felt so much love inside of me that I had never felt before. I felt grateful for everything I had, and stopped looking to my husband or others to fulfill something that I thought was missing in my life.
I realized that everything I was seeking was within me already.
It was understandable that people weren’t recognizing me anymore. My resting bitch face was gone. I wasn’t reactive and combative with my teenagers. I had no more demands for my husband to be someone he wasn’t.
I felt comfortable putting up boundaries. I didn’t feel guilty saying no. I understood the importance of living in alignment with my soul self.
I was satisfied with where I was and filled with gratitude, but I sensed that the Universe had more for me. I found myself writing about what I desired and longed for. The more I appreciated all that I had, the more the Universe would deliver me more to appreciate and love.
There is such a thing as divine timing, wherein life brings you what is best for you according to what the Universe has planned.
When we fully align with our soul selves, we can finally stop paddling upstream and just flow with the current.
Controlling everything had once been a big part of my life. When I finally surrendered, life propelled me gently toward what was for my highest good. And I trusted it.
To catch a glimpse of what you always dreamt of and try to turn in the opposite direction is painfully impossible. Trying to push your soul-self back down into a box when they have finally emerged into the world, is like strapping a child into a chair right after they’ve learned to walk.
Debilitating mentally, and physically. And frankly, impossible.
So, I let people call it a midlife crisis. It doesn’t bother me.
Yes, it can be painful at first. Any awakening is going to come only after many dark nights. But when the light bursts through from the opening we create for our soul to emerge, it shines upon everyone.
I believe this is what we are here for.
We are here to live according to the calling of our true essence, whatever that may be. To live in love and light and truth, and to fully embody our authentic selves.
What a gift.
Some people come out of the womb with the gift of being able to live fully in their essence without any obstacles like trauma from their parents and caregivers.
Some of us must trudge through deep dark waters for decades, before clawing our way to the wholeness of who we are.
Some will never know their true essence in this life. And that is okay too.
It is essential for those of us who yearn for something more, and to understand ourselves more, to follow that pull. In knowing how to navigate the darkness, we become beacons of light for those who need it.
If you want to follow my personal journey from my first days of meditating, through my unexpected spiritual awakening (“midlife crisis”), I documented it all in my journal and have been sharing it on Substack.