Loving Your Children Without Absorbing Them

You Don’t Have to Hurt, to Be a Good Mother

I recall the first time I ever felt physically and emotionally distraught from witnessing my child in pain. I had just given birth to her, and after having been joyfully nursing her for hours, they told me they had to take her for a bilirubin test to check for jaundice.

I watched from the window as they poked a hole in her teeny tiny foot, and she cried. Then I cried. I could physically feel her discomfort, and the worry and fear in my body was off the charts. I didn’t know at the time that I was an empath, or what that even meant, but obviously that contributed to my feelings.

Empaths are people who can feel the emotions and pain of others, and when you are an empath and a Mom, it’s double trouble. It is said that people are born empaths, and likely some become empaths if they are exposed to volatile emotions from their caretakers at a young age.

I was gifted with both.

Fortunately, I put my baby at my breast, and she was fine again. As my daughter grew older however, when she felt pain or shame, or if I even detected she might, I felt it with her.

I remember when she was in preschool, a girl who didn’t want to be her friend and left her out often. It infuriated me.

I was so frustrated and worried all the time about her feelings.

When she was in first grade, I was helping out in the classroom when I saw a girl laugh at her and tease her, for not knowing the answer to a question. It made her cry. I felt her pain.

I recall the girl came to me soon after to get her work checked off, and I scolded her and told her to never treat Jane that way again.

Sorry, not sorry for that.

I would share my concerns about her on occasion with my husband, who didn’t think or feel a thing of it. Jane may be left out or bullied, or in the midst of drama, and he didn’t seem to care.

I took it on as if it was my own.

I just figured he wasn’t getting involved, because he wasn’t parenting well enough. I hate to say it, but his lack of worry about those matters was a healthier approach.

I didn’t help my daughter one bit, by contributing to her worries or letting her see that I too was worried. All I likely did, was make her more worried. “If Mom is worried too, this must be serious!” (I can imagine that being her thought.)

It wasn’t until middle school, when she began heavily acting out on me and living in a world of teenage girl drama, that I realized I was far too emotionally involved. I could see that my reactions to her, were feeding her reactions to me, and round and round we went.

This is when I sought solace in meditation, for peace, and to understand where my own reactivity was coming from. When I was a child, there were no boundaries in my home. My Mom would scream and yell about things that had nothing to do with me, or often even herself.

She was highly stressed out, and I did my best to try and alleviate her suffering, all while hiding my feelings, so I wouldn’t make things worse. I never really knew what was going to set her off. I was on edge around her held onto her pain, as though it were my own.

I was “helpful”.

As I began to work through my own trauma, triggers, and behavioral patterns, and connect deeper with my whole (soul) self, I realized that I wasn’t as emotional of a person as I thought.

I still had empathy, but I understood on a deeper level, that my being at peace was much better for my daughter, than my reacting to her pain.

Our kids need sympathy and understanding, but they also need to feel like the person they are confiding in has their shit together.

They need a calm energy, to help them feel safe with their own feelings. They need a confident energy to assure them that they will get through whatever difficulties they face.

I recall that when I first began to meditate (about 6years ago and haven’t missed a day since) and work on myself, a mantra popping into my mind that would help me out and still does to this day.

Let Her Be. Have Faith. Trust.

This helped me so much as I repeated it daily, and any time I felt worried about her and what she was going through. Since then, I have learned so much about how to protect myself as an empath, and how to be a better Mom.

It is our job to be there for our children, but they are not ours, and neither are their emotions. They are their own people, with their own life lessons to learn from and work through. If we join them in feeling their pain, it makes it double. Two pains are not better than one.

We listen, love, support and offer guidance if they ask us. We don’t need to take on their problems for them, or attempt to shield them from pain. (There are extreme situations where we do need to get involved, like repeated bullying or when they are in danger. I’m not really talking about those cases).

What I understand about life now, is that we all have lessons to learn and work through, and until we do, those lessons will be repeated. In essence, trying to solve our children’s issues and take on their pain, is only delaying their growth and ensuring more lessons to come.

My advice to Moms (and Dads if this speaks to you), is to give yourself permission to tend to you and your discomfort. Heal yourself and be present with your own feelings. Learn and understand where your emotions are coming from, and trust that your kids will be able to work through their own.

Be there as a presence for them, share their experiences, but affirm to them that you believe in their ability to work through their challenges.

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

If we are the rock in the family, we should be what we imagine a rock to be. Strong, peaceful and present, not reactively bouldering our way through everyone’s stuff, and creating more havoc in the process.

Now I see my daughter, at 20, having the confidence to solve her problems and make decisions for herself.

As for me — I feel way more free now that I am not bound by those emotional chains. I have been able to heal the pain and triggers that lived in my body for decades.

I am a balanced person and can confidently handle whatever comes my way without stewing endlessly. I am present, peaceful, and way happier.

I used to believe that being a good Mom was carrying everyone’s weight for them, but now I believe it’s the opposite. We should be standing beside our kids with confidence and faith in their ability to carry it themselves.

So Mom — Free yourself, because you deserve everything that you want for your child. And when you embody that, they’ll believe that they deserve it too.