When Old Dynamics Trigger Hidden Shadows

How I Held My Own, and What I Felt in the Aftermath - A Personal Share

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This past week I went for a vacation with my ex-husband and our two daughters. It was a tradition to go to this destination and rent a house. Our girls bring friends, we bring our dog, and do some hiking, paddle boarding, and relaxing.

It was almost exactly three years ago, that we got a divorce. I like to call it a conscious uncoupling, because I was very conscious and aware. It was my choice to get the divorce, and came about after years of self-healing and a profound spiritual awakening.

I was the one in my relationship focused on growth and subsequently, we grew apart. I had nothing against him as a person and I still consider him a friend. I was just no longer interested in continuing the dynamics that created our relationship.I was no longer the fearful controlling energy that took hold of our life and managed everything.

My ego was not involved in our divorce. My soul guided me through it all. The ego could never have gotten me through such a major life transition without dire circumstances.

Three years later, and ironically, I’m in the middle of writing about my divorce on Substack, in my Diary of Awakening. I’m right at the part where I said I knew we’d still be able to take family vacations together. And we do. We did.

All was fine. We had meals together, went on hikes, and relaxed. We stayed in the same house all together - and all was well.

I admit that I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the trip. Part of me was hesitant. Maybe I feared old dynamics might surface within me.

And they did.

I woke up every morning and did my grounding meditation. I did my evening meditations as well, and everything seemed fine.

I left the family trip feeling good.

When I got home however, and reunited with my loving partner, I felt different. Disregulated. I had disturbing dreams multiple nights in a row and felt an insecure energy bubbling up inside of me. The kind of energy that needed some reassurance from my partner.

I have a deeper connection with my current partner. We don’t give in to each other’s ego patterns, in the way that our ego may want. When my ego is frantic inside and demanding some kind of reassurance, he doesn’t have a response. As frustrating as that is, for the me who wants the easy way out of my discomfort, I am grateful.

Incidentally, I was alone in my discomfort, and with my noisy thoughts.

When we have a trigger inside of us, the ego wants to take it outward.

It wants to find something to blame for the discomfort we feel.

I am aware of this, and watched it happening in myself.

I thought I did well on the family vacation, but looking back, I realize that part of me was holding on for dear life. I was desperately trying to stay grounded and hold back my triggers. I was ignoring my inner self to save face, and maintain. I was desperately trying to push back my controller energy. The one who felt unsafe, and like she needed to handle everything. I’m glad I held her back, but she was still lingering beneath the surface when I got home.

Suddenly back home, I felt the discomfort of everything I’d been holding back, sitting inside of me like a messy house that needed to be cleaned up. My ego instinctually wanted to project it onto him. Oh, he’s looking at me differently. Something’s going on with him.

It must be that I’m old. I’m not doing enough. He is no longer attracted to me. I am not creating enough, blah blah blah.

The ego knows what buttons to push. That’s what the ego does. The ego is there to take over when those uncomfortable feelings are felt inside. The ego wants to explain them off in the worst way.

The problem is, this prevents us from being able to feel the feelings that need to be felt, as feeling them is the only solution. The only way to heal our old wounds that surface through triggers, is to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. Not to abandon them, by looking outside of us.

My job is to hold myself, when I feel uncomfortable. And for a few days, I forgot that. I let my ego berate me for a myriad of reasons, that made no sense in the real life that I’m standing in right now.

The reality was, that our family vacation was fine, and I would do it again, because honestly, it’s a gift when old triggers come up. It’s helpful to know when there’s still a shadow inside of us that needs to be acknowledged. Any hidden feelings inside of us must be seen, acknowledged, and processed. Otherwise, they create tension.

This is a natural aspect of the healing process. We can be fully healed and living an entirely new life, yet stepping back into an old dynamic, is going to awaken parts of us that had to survive in that environment.

Survival patterns within us are desperate energies that will do anything to protect us from having to feel the feelings again. They are desperate to control outcomes. They are desperate to blame, deflect, and find reasons outside of us, for what we feel inside.

They don’t wanna feel.

After a few nights of disturbing dreams, a few days of loud thoughts, a couple of tarot card pulls, and a lot of sitting in my discomfort, I understand.

I realize how I was clenching through this family vacation, even though I appeared to be relaxed. And it’s fine. I needed to do that to survive the moment. Yet after I came home, I see how I was immediately deflecting, when I should’ve been feeling.

I see how everything doesn’t have to be perfect when you step back into old environments, and it’s OK.

We can’t force perfection. Sometimes, it’s survival.

So I’m unclenching, and letting go of the idea that everything was perfect. I acknowledge there’s still little bits and pieces inside of me that are triggered by old dynamics, even when the higher self is tirelessly staying grounded and connected.

So forgive yourself, when things aren’t perfect, even when you’ve put in all the work. It’s good to know when there’s still work to be done. And that work doesn’t have to be so difficult. It’s only difficult when we allow our ego thoughts too much leeway.

There’s no need to judge ourselves for feeling things we don’t think we should be feeling. There’s no higher standard we must hold ourselves up to. Sometimes we have to sit in the muck, and make that okay.

I hope that you’ve got gotten something from the experience I’ve shared. I know I have, just by writing about it.